Demaris (Dee) Bonificia Thelemaque (nee Lopez)
Her Life As I Knew It.
by Louis Emanuel Thelemaque (Her Husband of 65 years)
Dee was born in Prince George's County, Maryland, September 9, 1934. A small-town country environment where family farms were typical. She was initially educated in a typical one room schoolhouse where a multitude of grades were taught in the same room. She went to the bathroom in an outhouse and drew fresh water from a well. Her greatest joys were roaming the woods and climbing trees to find safe havens for solitude and introspection. Her pets included pigs and chickens which early on demonstrated a key aspect of her personality - her love of all living things. Whenever her Mexican father (Pedro Lopez nee Padilla) killed an animal for food, she would not eat it at dinner. Even if an aggressive rooster who scared and chased people was then turned into a meal, she would not take part.
The Lopez household of five offspring was a somewhat fractured and complicated one at best. Dee’s mother (Maria Isabel Cooke-Chase) had many husbands and multiple fathers for her children. Dee’s father Pedro (the last man to father Maria’s children) entered the US illegally to escape turmoil in Mexico that affected his Mexican family. Ironically, he ultimately worked for the US government his entire life, providing some stability to the household. Dee's mother provided additional income as a professional cook, ultimately cooking for President Truman.
Dee’s siblings included the two oldest girls Myrtle and Carmel, who had different fathers. Myrtle grew up living with Maria's mother (Dee’s grandmother) and ultimately married Eric Grey, who later would significantly affect my life. A third sister, Lela, who was adventurous, to say the least, and a brother, Victor, completed the family. Dee adored her brother who was a retired veteran and married to a woman that Dee looked to for advice when her mother was away. Unfortunately, Victor was killed in an automobile accident.
As Dee entered teen-hood, her mother began to look for other income opportunities and began traveling extensively. She took Dee with her primarily for protection from those who might take advantage of a young attractive adolescent. During these trips, Dee benefitted from exposure to different cultures and better schools but suffered from being pulled in and out of new schools each year – sometimes not making it through a whole year. Ultimately, with vision beyond her years, Dee decided to leave home and go live with her sister Myrtle. Upon her mother's approval, Dee left home to join her sister and brother-in-law in Bronx N.Y.
In the 1940’s, my family and I moved from Bronx, NY into a new home, our first, on Tioga Dr. in St. Albans, a suburb of NYC in the borough of Queens, a part of Long Island. A relatively short time later, a new family moved in just a few homes from us.
One day, from my room, I saw a young female member of that family, an 18 year-old vision, walking down the block in our direction. It was, of course, Dee. I stumbled down the stairs, almost breaking my neck, to get a better view. An unbelievable coincidence is that Dee had previously been living with Myrtle and Eric just a couple of blocks from me and my family when we lived in the Bronx. I don't remember ever having seen her there albeit my reaction would probably not have been the same for one so young at the time. Now, here she was once again my neighbor in this new neighborhood in Queens.
Somehow, she became an acquaintance of my sister, Marcia, and one day came knocking at our door. I walked to the door while trying to think of something that an experienced, debonair 25 year-old man would say to impress a vision. So, I opened the door and said “Would you buy me a pack of cigarettes?”
Don’t ask me why that was my approach and I don’t remember her answer, but Dee was forgiving even back then. In spite of my initial clumsiness, Dee soon graciously allowed me to date her. Over the next two and a half months, Dee carefully guided our relationship toward something substantial and, eventually, permanent, despite Myrtle and Eric's resistance - especially since Dee's intelligence suggested college was best for her and I was only a post office clerk with no discernible future. Dee later confided that what she always wanted to be was a housewife. One night, as we drove home from an evening out, Dee calmly stated “I think we should get married” or maybe “We had better get married” - and she was NOT pregnant! In the short time of our courtship, my brains, heart and soul had come to feel that this vision would be in my corner for rest of our lives. I quickly agreed. We immediately made plans, putting together our wedding apparel, buying rings and meeting with a priest at the local church.
In less than a month later, I found myself standing at the altar beside my best man, Rudolph (Rudy) Daniels, awaiting the entrance of that vision. Rudy calmed my fear that she wouldn't appear and, sure enough, she marched down the aisle following my sister, Marcia, the maid of honor, and clutching the arm of her father Pedro. She was stunning, but wore a look that could be interpreted as “What have I gotten myself into, now!” Well, as you know, on that day I wedded that girl, that vision, Demaris Bonifacia Lopez - called “Bonnie” by some and whom I’ve always called Dee. She has been my wife and my only love, ever since.
Our journey together thus began that January 24th of 1953 and it has proven to be a literal journey, as well. Work opportunities, coupled with Dee’s love of travel, have allowed us to traverse across the city of NY, across the country, around the world then back to the USA, across the country again, to our longest lived-in abode (about 35yrs) in San Francisco and ending in my son Tony & his wife Tami's beautiful abode in Palm Springs, California.
Slightly less than seven years after our wedding Dee had already given birth to all six of our lovely children. It started in Saint Albans in my family home with a boy, Louis Pierre (Pepe), then twin girls, Nanette Rene and Denise Victoria. While in St. Albans, we began construction of additional quarters in the large attic of my family's new home. However, my dear mother soon began to develop a rather possessive mothering of our children, which Dee found to be extremely upsetting, sending her to tears at times. So, I quickly found a modified apartment a few houses further down Tioga Drive for the birth of our newest son Antoine Aumont (Tony).
In search of a large affordable apartment for our growing family, we found and moved to Brooklyn, NY to a ground floor apartment as rent-free superintendent/residents. Dee's ability to charm and befriend truly blossomed at this time. New friends were quick to take on godfather/godmother rolls for our children and neighborhood merchants were happy to offer helpful deals. It was during this period that we realized I could not hope for a better future for our family working for the post office, so with conjugal blessing and encouragement, I enrolled in City College night school. When a new housing project was created nearby in the same neighborhood, it provided a fortuitous opportunity for adequate quarters to accommodate the birth of twin boys Jacques Raymond and Andre Marcel. The youngest grew up, and the older children matured, in those Brooklyn projects and the attached playgrounds. Project children loved our brood and would come to consider Dee a part-time mother. Our brood all love and remember the happy times there and joyous Christmases at all our NYC abodes.
During the fantastic period in NYC, from St. Albans to Brooklyn, the girl/woman I wed:
Managed almost all the duties, schooling and emergencies inherent in raising children, compounded by having many children and negligible outside help. An example of how these duties could be extra stressful was when she hurried to the local parochial school to challenge and address the injustice of a lay teacher striking Denise in the face for “not promptly answering a question”.
Found time to do clerical work in a close-by neighborhood business that provided desperately needed additional income without ever missing a hearty breakfast for her brood. The children would peek-in to watch her working while on their way home from school!
Began to learn other skills, ultimately allowing her to find future work as a legal assistant!!!
Created a happy home for our children and a welcoming one to many neighborhood families and children, some of whom we still have contact via e.g. facebook. (Frankie Como).
Encouraged family outings that exposed our children to the arts including plays and concerts.
Took trips by car with the children when young to her family home to give herself necessary breaks.
But her most fantastic feat was to increase her load by supporting and encouraging additional schooling for me that resulted in a) a position of technical assistant at Consumers Union through the support of Eric Grey, my Brother-In-Law, b) graduating with honors at NY City College c) employment by Bell Laboratories and d) multiple graduate degrees.
Getting support from a spouse is not too uncommon but with 6 children and that spouse often away from home for extended periods of time - albeit working/studying – is SUPERHUMAN!!!
And, on top of that, ALL significant decisions & plans were jointly made and agreed upon - with a purpose in mind! It all paid off with our next move, which was to Colorado, into our new first home. As I said above, I had left the postal service and had worked a short time for Consumer's Union before assuming a telecommunications research position with Bell Labs in NY. I was later reassigned to a new facility in Colorado.
Colorado was a dramatic change, moving to a more upscale community, of mostly new homes, which at that time was surrounded by farms, dairies (fresh cow milk), grazing horses & cattle. There was also a university town (Boulder), a cowboy town with rodeos and the nearest (at the time) high school (Longmont) and a tiny town (Niwot) with a grammar school. Our social contacts and friends were primarily my work colleagues. Like Brooklyn, our Colorado home was again a favorite gathering place for youngsters. We had our basement outfitted with a natural stone wall (with fireplace), wood bark walls, pinball machine, ping pong table, pool table and a hand-made color TV (without a cabinet) with TV games. Mothers would call Dee when their young offspring were missing.
During our time in Colorado, we felt it was also important to expose our children to other cultures, sights and sounds by traveling whenever and however we could to National Parks like Bryce and Pinnacles and to Canyonlands. We camped and went north, west and south, even into Mexico. Our tent was an old military tent large enough to house all of us. Our numerous children could eventually erect the tent so quickly it evoked the following comment by a neighboring child “Look Mom, the circus!”
By now, the girl I wed, was a mature woman, one who had blossomed in breath-taking fashion. Like a flower in full bloom, her beauty, charm and social skills not only enhanced our lives at home, and in our new community, but unquestionably was a major contributor to whatever success I might claim in my career.
She had the ability to comfortably fit in with almost any group, culture, ethnicity, or social level and not be judged or judgmental. And she was never intimidated. To this day, I can hardly think of any occasion when she had failed to greet someone with less than a joyful attitude, in person or by phone, regardless of whether it was a relative, friend or stranger - young or old. Because of her beauty, one might describe her as a trophy wife. That is too condescending for Dee. As anybody who knows her will attest, she was indeed a prize, but so much more than a mere trophy. She was my love but also my friend and my partner in all things.
As wonderful as life was for us in Colorado, it was not free of issues, as when a next-door neighbor reported to local police that Tony was riding a motorized mini-bike without a license. Dee went court and while protesting the selective nature of the charges, informed the Judge that she was the mother. She won the case and like her mother, let no one mess with her children.
While still in Colorado and weathering teenage crises of the three oldest offspring and their need for transportation (up to 3 autos), Dee found employment as a Social Services Worker which allowed her to beautifully display her loving, caring and giving nature while having a true impact on those less fortunate. She even invited me to visit a few of her struggling charges.
Our next big move was to Iran in 1976 - obviously before the Ayatollah took command after the revolution - Bell Labs reassigned me to AT&T's international division which took us to Tehran. Employees could bring their families but only the last two of our children, Jacques & Andre, still in high school, would stay with us. Thus in early 1977 we organized a trip to the American Virgin Islands with the attendance of our entire clan who had begun to disperse and to meet relatives on my side that they had never met nor knew of. Mutually enjoying island life and with Dee's warmhearted example, relationships were established that exist to this day.
Returning to Iran, Dee and I quickly settled in. Wives were offered positions with my company and Dee assumed the role of the corporate receptionist. Consequently, everyone knew her and vice versa. Among Iranian staff members, she was known as ‘Deejoon”, with “joon” being a Persian term of endearment. Because of her wonderful notoriety, our 25th wedding anniversary was held at the US Embassy (that embassy) attended by friends and corporate members of all levels including our overseas president & vice-presidents. Need I mention how she affected my career?
Although up to now, Dee had not engaged in sports to any great extent, the Iran experience exposed another aspect of her view of life, her willingness to try new things. It was in Iran that she first tried and learned skiing and was exposed to tennis. We attended concerts, performed in plays and visited the rest of Iran. Also, while in Iran, we visited Africa (Safari's), Israel and various countries of Europe.
Upon leaving Iran, during the trip home, we first travelled to Asia and Thailand to Singapore. In Thailand we extensively toured, paraglided, drove small ocean power boats and generally enjoyed the beach facilities. A surprising experience occurred upon leaving Thailand by train, when our section of cars was separated and left in the station unbeknown to us to be connected to another segment going to a different destination. We were then directed to a close by “hotel” for the night, so as to be able to board the next train to Singapore. The hotel was really a bordello and Dee got a “kick” out of others viewing her as my “woman of the night” and the funny noises she heard during the night.
After Singapore came Bali, Australia, New Zealand and Tahiti, as well. We avoided typical tourist hotels and instead opted for meeting the real people and the local flavor of each country, as we do for all our trips. Consequently, Dee's natural equanimity and charm allowed us to be accepted rather than viewed as “those” Americans. Permit me to relate just a few examples:
In Bali we rented a small motor scooter and toured the countryside. Upon noting how groups of people would sit in opened tent like invitation-facilities, Dee would enter and attempt to communicate. One such venture result.ed in meeting a native artist from whom we bought and sent home a number of beautiful paintings and art pieces.
In Iran while traversing caravanserai trails, her interest and friendliness led to invitations to a meal in a humble native home and to join a family picnic in the countryside.
In New Zealand while boarding with a small farmer's family, Dee so enthralled the family that one member elected to take time off from farm work to chaperone us while viewing the attractions of her country.
But the most fascinating occurrence was in Tahiti. We stopped there because a maternal uncle of mine had settled there after serving in the British Navy in WW1 and created two separate Tahitian families that had, for some reason, lived entirely apart. As a consequence of our visit - and Dee's charm, inquisitiveness and social skills - by the time we left to return home, the families had all gathered together to put flower leis around our necks and send us off at the airport.
We returned home to New Jersey where we bought and lived successively in 2 homes - one in Morris Township and the other in Sea Bright between a bay and a pacific ocean beach. We played tennis, reconnected with children, family and friends (both old and new - from our stay in Iran), travelled, went white water rafting, bobsledding and generally enjoyed life. Dee continued to work as a legal secretary, commuting to the financial district in NYC from Morris Township and holding positions as office manager in NJ towns closer to our home at Sea Bright.
During our stay in Sea Bright, we took sailing lessons which further exposed Dee's adventurous spirit and willingness, to try ALL life has to offer, as we proceeded to rent sailing boats large enough for overnight sleeping and to sail in Chesapeake Bay, the New Jersey Shore as far as the Great Lakes in New England sometimes with one or more of our progeny.
More than 30 years ago, upon my retirement in early 1980's, we sold our Sea Bright home and moved across the country again to our San Francisco abode. It became the home where both Dee and I would live the longest in our entire lives. Initially, we both helped at Dolphin Graphics, the family printing and computer graphic arts business we helped start – first run by Tony & his wife Tami, then by Andre. We made numerous new friends, mainly thru our progeny as well as friends Dee made at our workouts and through her hobby activities. But we also befriended the whole Madrigal clan who we got to know through our good friend and next door neighbor, Ramon Madrigal.
During our later active years in San Francisco, we still travelled, danced, bicycled and enjoyed life. Even as we got significantly older, Dee was able to bicycle some of the longer routes in Northern California. We travelled up to Oregon by car and by plane to our East Coast family and to Canada, Portugal, Spain, Mexico, Maui and Costa Rica. We were able to stay in shape because Dee learned of a new workout center being planned in The Bakar facility at UCSF in SF, so we joined as charter members before the building was even completed. When the facility became active, Dee quickly found her niche in water aerobics and subsequently - again - became one of the most popular members. About a year ago (early 1979), photos of Dee were used to promote membership in the facility.
Dee also occupied her free time crafting beautiful greeting cards, mainly 3 dimensional, that were sent to friends and family. Sometimes she sold them and they were often displayed by recipients of them as works of art. Her skill in this endeavor was enhanced by our attendance at UCSF free senior classes in Photoshop Elements. Again, she was one of the most popular and accomplished students in the class.
Now, I would be remiss not to mention some other important skills. Skills that Dee had her entire life and were immense joys to her. That lady could cook. To her consternation, I am ashamed to say, that I almost never suggested eating out. Yes, I’m cheap. But it had much more to do with her amazing culinary skills. And she had passed that skill on to all of our children with our son Andre going to culinary school and working as a professional chef before taking over the printing business. And…..That lady could dance!! I'll mention just a few related events.
Many years ago, while living in Brooklyn, we and a couple we had befriended went to a dancehall to listen to some music, but, guess what, also to dance. After a few choruses, the man of the couple asked Dee to dance without asking his wife for the first dance. In a moment, Dee was up and swinging. I often wondered what happened at their home that night.
Some years ago, spending a night out dining and dancing with some friends, Dee quietly got up fron the table and walked out to the center of the dance floor during a musical session. I waited just a few minutes then got up walked toward her. Her eyes were sparkling and she smiled as if inviting a new found lover. We danced.
Some other years ago, while at an outdoor event with live music in Golden Gate Park, we were on a hillside above the dance area. I was sitting but Dee was up and moving when a young man noticing her moves and invited her to dance. She looked at me, I nodded, and she went down the hill and danced, stopping only when she ran out of breath.
More recently during a visit to the east coast with her sister Carmel, her niece Rene and others family members to close an unhappy event, we happened upon an open air live band at an outdoor cafe. The music was a jazzy rock style like that sung by Janis Joplin. Her body in motion, Dee unconsciously invited others to join and, before long, almost all the women, and a few men, were dancing and interacting like long-time pals. As we left the cafe, a much younger woman interrupted Dee to make the comment “I Like Your Moves!!!”
At an annual Berkeley event presenting jazz bands, I fell in love for the umpteenth time standing behind her and watching her body move ever so subtlety and her fingers clicking with the rhythm of a live band.
Epilogue
What I remember most about my Dee was that every endeavor, be it fun or business was partaken with gusto and sincerity. Even though her hair turned white, she could still boogie! The courage she exhibited when she knew she was inevitably going to die within a few months.
I still think of her as the vision I first saw from my window in Queens, the girl I married, the woman I grew old with and, most importantly, the woman I would marry...again….and again....and again, if that were possible.
So, join with me in toasting my loving wife. Demaris Bonifacia Lopez Thelemaque. who died in her 83rd year, immensely active through more than 82 years, loved by all who were lucky enough to meet her and know her as a smart, caring, loving, lovable, friendly, talented and passionate individual who loved every second of life and passed this magic on to all who where fortunate to have passed her way.
Her forever loving husband of 65 heavenly years,
Louis E. Thelemaque
05/11/18, edited 10/06/18